


Reunion (2007)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Community: 30kisses, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Forgiveness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-14
Updated: 2007-05-14
Packaged: 2018-07-12 03:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years. It's time for forgiveness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reunion (2007)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#2 - 'news/letter'

Violet eyes stared unseeingly out the window as the train rolled lazily across the countryside. _'Has it really been three years?'_ Sanzo mused sadly to himself as he reached for his pack of Marlboro's. Sparking one up, he took a deep drag, trying to ignore the way his fingers trembled as he held the stick to his lips. Exhaling shakily, his gaze drifted down to the crumpled envelope that rested in his lap. The ink had been smudged and the vellum was worn from excessive handling. Loosing a humourless snort, he figured he had to have read it at least a hundred times by now if he'd read it once. Hell, he could probably quote it verbatim.

Another quick glance out the window showed him he had about ten minutes before he reached his destination, and he felt his anxiety level ratchet up another notch. Almost on reflex, he stuck the cigarette between his lips and reached for the envelope as though it was some sort of ridiculous security blanket. Shaking the letter out into his hand, he unfolded the single sheet of three-ring notebook paper and gazed down at the words written in Gojyo's cramped, illegible scrawl.

_Sanzo,_

_It's been three years now. He forgave you long ago, you know. Don't you think it's about time you came to see him? I think you at least owe him that much._

_Or not. You've always been a sanctimonious bastard when it came to shit like this._

_I'll expect you in Tianshui on the fifteenth. If you're not there, you can go fuck yourself, and I'll know what a prick you really are._

_~Gojyo_

Sanzo felt a stinging in the corners of his eyes, and he hastily shoved the letter back into the envelope, holding it tightly in one hand as he ground out the remnants of his smoke. He could feel the train starting to slow as they neared the station, and he sat quietly, trying to figure out just what he was going to say to the redhead when he saw him. They hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms; words had been shouted by both of them in anger, and punches had been thrown. Gojyo had looked bad with his black eye and blood oozing from the cut on his lip, but Sanzo had been even worse off, left barely conscious in the hallway of the hotel with a near-concussion and a broken jaw. He would never admit it to the kappa, but in all honesty, Sanzo believed he'd deserved everything he'd received at the hands of the half-breed. Still, he felt that to make an apology would be both empty and trite. Besides, he seriously doubted it would be accepted.

The train finally came to a stop and, taking a deep breath, he got to his feet, pulling up his robes and adjusting the sutra around his shoulders. He followed the crowd of people disembarking, and he blinked slightly against the brilliant sun as he stepped down onto the platform. For a moment, he thought that Gojyo hadn't come, and he was preparing to swear a blue streak cursing the kappa's name, when he spied a familiar shape sporting a shock of long, crimson hair that had been pulled back into a tidy ponytail – save for a wild fringe that framed his face, partially obscuring his eyes.

"So…you came," Gojyo drawled, not bothering to remove the cigarette that dangled precariously from between his lips. "Hn. Looks like I owe Zhao Ming a bottle of whiskey. Damn it." He shoved his hands into the front pockets of the black jeans he wore, and cast an appraising eye over the blond. "You look like shit," he commented finally.

"Bite me," came the acerbic reply, Sanzo lighting up a cigarette of his own. He felt no obligation to tell the taller male that he hadn't been eating or sleeping well since receiving the letter. "I didn't come here because I missed your witty repartee. I came to see Hakkai. So shut your hole and take me to him."

"If you're going to be rude, you can go to hell and walk your ass there, or hitch a ride for all I care," Gojyo snapped back. "I'm not your lackey any more, so I don't have to _obey_ your orders, Sanzo- _sama_."

The blond gritted his teeth together, loosing a subvocal growl and somehow managing to bite back the scathing retort that was on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he simply nodded. "Let's go."

"Would it kill you to say 'please'?"

This time, the growl was audible. " _Please_ ," he drawled icily, the sarcasm and irritation blatantly obvious in that single word.

"Sure thing!" Gojyo replied brightly, a wide, satisfied smile on his face.

Sanzo remained silent until they reached the parking lot and he saw the familiar green jeep sitting there. "Jeep!" he called in surprise, a small smile crossing his face when he received a quiet chirp in greeting. "He lets you drive him?" he asked as he slipped into the passenger seat, feeling an eerie sense of déja vu as he did so.

Gojyo shrugged and patted the dash. "We get along. Don't we, Buddy?" He smiled when Jeep chirped in response. "I don't understand him near as well as Hakkai, but we manage ok." He turned the key and, glancing over at Sanzo, he said, "It's about fifty miles or so, so we should get there in about an hour." When he received a non-committal grunt in response, Gojyo pulled out of the parking lot, turning onto a deserted stretch of road.

Neither one said anything to the other as they drove. Sanzo really had nothing of value to say to the redhead, and he certainly wasn't in the mood for inane small talk, so he sat in quiet contemplation, trying to figure out just what he was going to say. Several times over the course of their trip, he reached inside his robes to touch the envelope that was carefully tucked away, making sure it was still there. Somehow, its presence reassured him and helped him calm himself. It wasn't until he heard the tires skid to a halt on gravel that he pulled himself from his musings. 

Slowly, the blond turned to look at the small cottage they'd stopped in front of, and he arched a brow as he looked at the redhead. "Looks like business has been good to you," he remarked cattily.

"It might not be the most honourable job, but it pays the bills," Gojyo replied with a shrug. "Besides, swindling idiots out of their money is something I'm good at, so why mess with what works." He climbed out of the jeep, and once Sanzo had done the same, he smiled as the little white dragon took his true form and flew off into the backyard. "I do it for him, too," Gojyo continued. "If I didn't, we wouldn't be able to afford to stay here." He gestured to the picturesque setting: the mountains rising up in the distance, the small stream that babbled off in the distance, the lush, green grass that grew underfoot, and the myriad trees and flowers that made up the landscape of the yard. "So, before you judge me, tell me what _you've_ done for him over the past three years." Crimson eyes glinted with malicious amusement at the discomfited expression on the blond's face, and he sparked up another cigarette as a cool smile spread across his features. "Yeah. Thought so." Gojyo exhaled slowly, and when Sanzo still hadn't said anything, he sighed. "He's waiting for you in the backyard, out by the sakura. Let me know when you're done, and I'll take you back to town." That said, the redhead disappeared inside the house, leaving the blond alone in the driveway.

Slowly, Sanzo turned toward the backyard, his heart hammering loudly in his ears, his entire body feeling numb as he forced his feet to move him forward. Licking his suddenly dry lips, he moved onto the grass, looking around the well-tended gardens for a moment, and then, knowing he couldn't put this off any longer, he sought out the sakura Gojyo had mentioned. As soon as the violet eyes spotted it, the memories of that night came rushing back to him in a flood. And, along with them, the pain they brought. He could almost see the scene playing out for him once more, right in front of him:

 

It was winter, and they'd completed their mission in the west. Peace had once again been restored to Shangri-La, though tensions were still relatively high and there was the occasional demon insurrection they'd encounter and have to deal with. The foursome were on their way back home, and they were only a few days from Chang'An when they found themselves caught in the middle of a nasty winter storm in a town called Tianshui. As the sleet pelted down, Gojyo had gone off to chase skirts, Goku had gone to sleep, and Sanzo and Hakkai had whiled away the evening in the hotel bar, drinking sake. At some point, the brunet had asked Sanzo if he could speak to him about something important, and had then proceeded to tell him of the feelings he had for the blond, and how he hadn't mentioned them before then because Sanzo had had a lot on his plate to deal with. Hakkai had then said that he would understand if the blond didn't feel the same, but just felt that he should know.

Despite the small thrill of pleasure he'd felt at that revelation, Sanzo had laughed, telling Hakkai that he was a terrible liar, and that no one in their right mind would ever care about a surly priest like him. As soon as he'd said it, he knew that he'd gone too far from the despondent look that appeared in the green eyes. Still, he'd had to respect Hakkai – he'd let the subject drop, true to his word. Unfortunately, the idea had been planted in Sanzo's mind, and he wasn't prepared to let it go just yet. Around three in the morning, he was more than a little tipsy, and despite his earlier bravado, he'd found himself gradually shifting closer to the brunet, until finally, he was practically leaning against him. And flirting with him. The alcohol was lowering his inhibitions, and though he'd never tell another living soul, at that moment, he'd felt truly content and at peace. It was at that point the brunet had decided it was time to pour his friend into his bed and let him sleep. Hakkai had been a gentleman about the whole thing. He'd graciously dodged the blond's advances, maintaining that if Sanzo still felt the same way in the morning, they'd discuss it then, but he wouldn't take advantage of him while he was drunk. 

The next morning, Sanzo had awoken early and, despite the jackhammer pounding in his skull and the fact that his eyes looked like two pissholes in the snow, he'd gone to see Hakkai. The brunet had dealt with his hangover by gently massaging his scalp and temples, and by the time he was finished, Sanzo had been beyond relaxed and feeling better than he had in ages. It was then that he'd leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the other's lips. It had been inordinately brief and beyond chaste, but it would forever be seared in the monk's memory – along with Hakkai's words.

_"I'm afraid, too, Sanzo...beyond terrified. But maybe together, we can heal these old wounds that compel us to lock our hearts away."_

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. 

Giving him another gentle kiss, he'd excused himself to go get cleaned up for the day, telling him he'd meet him for breakfast in an hour. He'd showered and dressed, and then had taken a few aspirins to help calm his queasy stomach. As he had reached for the doorknob to his room, he heard the window behind him shatter, and then everything seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Yet, every excruciating detail of what was to follow had been indelibly imprinted in his mind for him to relive and remember until the day he died.

Standing behind him had been one of the rebel youkai, and this one had been armed with a pistol of his own. Sanzo had turned and fired, instantly killing him, only to have three more kick in his door and enter his room. He'd managed to take out two of them, but had been forced into melee grappling with the third when the demon had knocked his revolver from his hand. Through sheer dumb luck, he'd managed to reclaim the weapon, but not before he'd been slashed across the abdomen by the youkai's claws and been bitten at least twice. Bleeding, his head once again throbbing, and his vision occasionally blurring, he finally managed to kill the demon, only to turn and fire his last round at the door when he caught a movement there. Upon hearing the pained cry, he shot up from his position on the floor. He _knew_ that voice. "Hakkai!"

Hurrying out into the hallway, he had been just in time to see the soft-spoken brunet slide down the wall, sinking to his knees, his hand clutching his chest. Despite the pained expression on his face, he had managed a smile. "Nice shot. That will teach me not to move about so quietly..."

"Just stay still. I'll get someone to help," Sanzo had instructed, only to feel a surprisingly strong hand grab his wrist.

"No," Hakkai had replied. "Please, stay with me?" He had tugged firmly on the blond's sleeve, wanting him to sit down beside him. When Sanzo had finally relented, the brunet had gasped softly. "You're hurt," he'd said before leaning heavily against the monk's shoulder and, with considerable effort, lifting his bloodied hand and healing the four deep gashes on Sanzo's body. He let out a humourless chuckle then. "I'm afraid that's the best I can do; I'm sorry."

"Quit being stupid!" Sanzo had admonished, and how he'd managed to not be sick was beyond him. "Save your strength. We'll get someone to heal you, and you'll be alright." When he'd moved to get up, he'd been stayed once again by the other male.

"It's too late, Sanzo," Hakkai had replied, his green eyes glistening with tears. Giving him a tremulous smile nonetheless, he leaned his head back against the wall and gazed down at his hands. "You know, I really do wish my life line had been just a teensy bit longer. I would have liked walking _our path_ for just a little while more." He'd leaned heavier into Sanzo then, his dark bangs tickling the underside of the blond's chin, his breathing slow and heavy as he had held the monk's hand tightly in his until he was no longer able to do so.

Sanzo hadn't been able to grieve for Hakkai, because just then, Goku and Gojyo had appeared on the scene. Goku was confused, Gojyo hadn't understood, and Sanzo hadn't been able to explain himself properly. In the end, Gojyo had left the blond half-dead in the hallway, taking his fallen friend and Hakuryu with him.

 

Even now, as Sanzo gazed down at the small stone Gojyo had erected, he found himself unable to mourn. But oh, how he wanted to. The loss of Hakkai had upset him greatly. The few walls the brunet had managed to tear down had been promptly replaced and, if possible, Sanzo had grown colder and more distant over the years. Goku had remained with him in Chang'An, but he tended to avoid the monk for fear of his wrath. He snorted, trying to maintain his stoic façade, but the longer he stared at the almost too-perfect lettering on the marker, the more he felt himself crumbling. Finally, he dropped to his knees in front of the grave, his lower lip quivering as he struggled to maintain his hold on his self-control. "Damn it, 'kai, if...if only you'd been five minutes earlier or five minutes later...if only you'd said my name..." He brought a trembling hand up to swipe irritably at his eyes. Why wouldn't his body obey him any more? "God, I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you before now. But you see, I couldn't come. I'm a selfish bastard that way. Not having to see you meant I could pretend it didn't happen. I could imagine that you were alive and well, and living your life somewhere else, happy and at peace. I could also try to ignore how much it hurts inside. 'Kai, you told me that together, we'd heal these old wounds. No fair making new ones and then leaving, you know." Sanzo let out a humourless bark of hysterical laughter at that. "Damn it all, I loved you, Cho Hakkai. Even if I didn't show it. Even if I didn't act like it. Now, it's too late to do anything about it. But you know the worst part of it, Hakkai? I live each day knowing that the person I loved...was actually capable of loving...was taken from me by my own...h-hand."

At that, something inside the blond broke and, his expression one of pure anguish, he bowed his head. The tears he'd fought so hard to repress finally burst forth, and his entire body shook with silent sobs. After a few minutes, Sanzo managed to get hold of himself, and he sighed heavily. He let his swollen eyes travel around the little garden surrounding the sakura, and he arched a brow when he realized that each flower was symbolic, describing a characteristic the brunet possessed. Daisies for gentleness, gladiolus for strength of character, peonies for healing, violets for modesty. "I also would have liked to walk our path a little longer," he whispered, starting slightly when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he met a pair of sympathetic, crimson eyes.

"Well, well...the stinking monk isn't as heartless as he pretends to be," Gojyo teased, giving the blond a wink. Joking aside, he sat down on the grass beside the blond. "You know, he really did love you. I suppose that was one of the reasons I've always been so pissy with you, Sanzo. I was jealous that he was so dedicated to you, so unconditionally loyal, so willing to do _anything_ for you. I often wondered why it was never me. Why he'd commit himself to such a prick like you."

"Is this your attempt at making me feel better? If it is, you suck."

"Quit interrupting me, asshole. I'm trying to have a tender moment here." The redhead gave him a small shove, and then resumed his train of thought. "I wondered what he could possibly see in a dickhead like you. But, now I know. I watched you for a while when you were talking to him, and I know you loved him too. Jesus, he was always way too intuitive for my tastes, always three steps ahead of everyone else. It was creepy. But, he was right. You're not a bad person, Sanzo. He forgave you. Hell, by now, I forgive you. Maybe it's time for you to forgive yourself. It was a shitty thing that happened, but at least you both knew how you felt, and you were with him to the end." He smiled a crooked smile, and then took one of Sanzo's hands and pressed something into the palm. "I think he'd have wanted you to have this."

Slowly, the blond opened his palm, a surprised gasp escaping him as he looked down at the object Gojyo had given him. It was the black crucifix with the silver piping that Hakkai had always worn surreptitiously under his clothing. "Gojyo... I don't –"

"You don't have to say anything, you dumb monk. Just take it." The redhead smirked and got to his feet. "I'm going to heat up some sake. Your ass better be in the kitchen in five, or I'm going to come out here and kick it in front of him."

Sanzo watched Gojyo walk back to the house, and then he turned his gaze back to the crucifix. Slowly, he traced around the edges, and then he brought it up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on it before he slipped it around his neck and under his clothing. Getting to his feet himself, he cast one last glance at the stone marker. "Well, 'kai...I hate to say this, but the kappa's right. Maybe it is time to start forgiving myself. I know it's not going to be easy, but for you, I'm going to try. I know you're not here physically, but maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I'll be able to feel your spirit once more." He rested a hand on his chest, his fingers lightly running over the cross. "We can do this. Together."


End file.
